Why I Don’t Like Pudsey Bear: A short, pointless, grudge story.

A bear that isn’t Pudsey. I wasn’t sure on the copyright and didn’t want to give him another reason to come after me.

Every year in connection with Children in Need I tell the story of why I don’t like Pudsey Bear. I’m told by my friends (who despite what I’m told by others, do exist) that it wouldn’t be a real Children in Need without this story. They’re humouring me of course, but being my friend is essentially 90% humouring me so they get a pass.  I’m sorry if you started reading this thinking it was a complex critique on the inadequate wealth redistribution of Children in Need or a political discourse on how if society were better we wouldn’t even require Children in Need.  I don’t know if the first one is even true and while the second one certainly is, there are people far better qualified than I am to discuss it. I’m afraid my story is a short, bitter, pointless grudge against a monocular bear associated with a worthy cause.

Are we sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

As a much younger man, a child even, I was ill and had been to the doctor’s. I can’t remember what the illness was. I imagine it was probably just a virus that had gone on a bit too long or possibly the ongoing inflammation of my pedantry gland.  After leaving the clinic, in fact just outside the clinic, I did a manly collapse (fainted). On my trajectory towards the ground I decided that my head should take a slight detour towards the wall. I broke my glasses. I need my glasses for seeing (like most people who wear them, except maybe hipsters. I’m sure there are other examples) so this was almost literally adding insult to injury. Actually I guess it was just adding inconvenience to injury. As I lay there bewildered and pathetic, head hurting, glasses broken, I notice a blurry figure approach out of the blurry distance into the slightly less blurry foreground. It was Children in Need at the time and it dawned on me that this figure was Pudsey Bear! He was obviously out collecting money for Children in Need. That being his thing. Who better than the mascot of Children In Need to help a child in need outside a healthcare professional’s building? Pudsey stepped over me and carried on walking.

I’m not a fan of Pudsey Bear.

“Perhaps Pudsey didn’t see you, his vision can’t be that good.”

“Why did he step over me and carry on down the street instead of tripping over me and carrying on towards the pavement?”

I’m not a fan of Pudsey Bear.

I am a fan of Children in Need. They do good work that shouldn’t be necessary. So please give generously. Because Pudsey won’t.

Or there are lots of good charities, so you can pick one. You might as well, otherwise reading this stupid story about my ridiculous grudge against a visually-impaired ursine has been a complete waste of time.